Reentering The Dating Game After Divorce
Lessons from a divorcee
For many of us, dating in the late teens and early 20s comes easy. We are at our peak physically. Boobs are perky and muscles are defined. We have ample time to dedicate to our appearance whether that’s spending time at the nail salon, tending to regrowth or doing a good workout at the gym. We are enmeshed in a lot of different social circles full of countless other young and attractive individuals who are all looking for love, or at the very least, sex.
Fast forward a few years. Our six pack has transitioned to a 12 pack of bread rolls, boobs now sag mighty close to our belly buttons, hair grows in places we don’t need hair whilst excess skin shows up in random places making way for a grand selection of ‘control briefs’ in the top drawer.
Then when we throw the baggage of divorce into the mix, the dating game becomes a lot more challenging.
After my husband left me for a younger more attractive version the thought of dating again was far from my mind. I wasn’t sure that I actually believed in love or that I was lovable. Being pregnant with my husband’s son at that time further took away any interest I had in finding another fish in the open waters.
In that moment my priority was to put aside the grief over a dream lost to focus on growing and raising my son. Also, pretty much every time I saw my son or heard him make a noise, the milk floodgates would open — which was not something I felt would be a desirable characteristic on a tinder profile.
As life settled into some sense of normality and routine however, on those nights where I’d put my son to bed by 7pm and sat flicking through the TV channels, something did start to twinge inside me. I think it was a mixture of loneliness, boredom and a desire for my son to have a present dad in his life.
And so, my eyes started to wander, dissecting the options around me. Slim pickings, as most of the good ones had been snapped up 10 years earlier.
My social circles had decreased. I didn’t have the spare time to do after-work drinks on a Friday or join the local sporting team nor did I have the confidence or desire to sit alone at a club or bar waiting for a drunk man to woo me with his alcohol-infused charms. Being in a church circle didn’t help. All the eligible bachelors had been paired up by age 14.
Plus, to be honest, I’d let myself go.
The hairs on my legs were so long they could imitate coarse sandpaper and let’s not even mention the state of my lady parts. I hadn’t seen a hairdresser for at least 2 years, sporting a ‘mom bun’ on most days and the exhaustion of single parenthood had begun to show itself through the lines on my face.
I wasn’t exactly in a prime position to re-enter the dating scene. How does a single parent even do that when they are carting a snotty 2-year-old on their hip 24/7?
I felt my only option was to enter the world of online dating. An unusual world full of a lot of very strange people, and perhaps I was one of them. I found myself talking to one guy who informed me, during our first conversation, that if we were together I wouldn’t be allowed to celebrate Christmas or Easter.
The next guy spent five hours telling me about his collection of match box cars. Awesome for him, yet I was ready to staple my head to the floor by the end of that conversation. The next guy confessed to having a serious porn addiction masturbating in excess of 20 times a day. No way he’d have time to mow my grass with all that going on, whilst guy number four didn’t ever want to leave home and his mom.
I tried to have an open mind and I tried even harder with any guy I met in real life that seemed to be remotely ‘normal.’
There were a few lessons learnt during my re-entry into the dating world. Firstly, I realized that I really needed to know what it was that I was looking for. In my youth I’d almost instantly loved and committed my entire being to anyone that showed a smidge of interest. Surely, I’d matured somewhat since then?
This time around I definitely didn’t want to have to strive for love or fall for the first guy that came along. I wanted someone that wanted me, hairy legs and wrinkly face included. I wanted someone that had capacity and desire to love my son. I wanted someone that made me better, was motivated, driven and not someone I had to parent.
Next, I learnt to accept my ‘baggage.’ My life experience and learning over lost love was not something to be ashamed of. If someone couldn’t accept it then they weren’t worth my energy.
Finally, I learnt to love myself. Being young isn’t necessarily better than being a little older, saggier and somewhat wiser. I learnt to embrace me, being confident in who I am, the love I can give and the contribution I can make to another person’s life.
If you’re in the place of re-entering the dating game after a lifetime of experiences or divorce, please be confident in your value. You are not lesser and there is no shame.
I’d encourage you to embrace who you really are.
If you don’t yet know who or what that is then take the time to discover ‘you.’ Only then will you be ready to put your feet in the water, being confident that you won’t accept anything less than what you’re truly worth.
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